Closing the door on having more babies

I had my first child at the age of 18 years old.  When I conceived her my then boyfriend whom became my husband, didn’t think that he could produce any children.  So when we did actually get pregnant with our first child we were over joyed.  My first pregnancy was wonderful.  I don’t remember hating pregnancy (although, I do think we totally forget the bad parts of it at times).  I loved also being a mom.

However, with being a mom it also brought on many challenges.  Financial ones are always usually on the top of the list, PPD (Postpartum Depression), stress, and really just the ability to hand a new small human being.  While babies are not always hard, there are times where having a small child can really kick your ass to say that lightly.  That doesn’t always get easier with age.  I tell people all the time that as children age it’s not that it gets easier but that it’s just different.

After my first-born 2 years later I had my second and then just four months after she was born I found out we were pregnant with our third (so much for not being able to have children).  I would be lying if during this journey there wasn’t times where I regretted three children.  Mostly when all three would be upset, when I couldn’t meet each child’s needs in the moment.  When I wanted more one on one time with the children.  Going out in public at times.  And yes, most definitely financially.  Especially, when we finally divorced.  Oh, the guilty that rained over me for having three children and then also putting them through a divorce.

My husband and I struggled financially, emotionally, and I think even spiritually our whole relationship.  I still say out of the relationship my three children with him were still the best thing our relationship produced.  In the end I think they do help us become better people.  As much as the first several years of their life is a totally blur over time I still saw another child.  Years would pass and I would still see her.  I knew she was a girl. And while I couldn’t see exactly what she would look like I KNEW one day she would be mine.

I first saw her before I had even divorced.  It’s strange but in some ways I want to say that apart of me waiting was thinking about this child.  But some how I knew this child wasn’t going to be with my then husband.  After our divorce, I started to accept that the little girl I kept seeing was not real.  See, growing up I could sometimes see things of my future.  I don’t consider myself psychic or anything but you could say I have had a special ability to know things.  But, there have been times where it wasn’t right OR it wasn’t exactly the way I thought it would be.  I started to believe that this was one of them.

When my met D my now husband, he was not interested in having any more children.  He felt my three was plenty for us.  Like many men he felt money wise this was already stretching us thin and honestly!? It was.  I would mourn the idea of this child.  I actually started to get into the idea of acceptance that she was just not going to happen.  And then one day he surprised me and well, lets just say, I had my fourth child and yes, she is a beautiful little girl.

My pregnancy with my last was my hardest.  Her birth and after birth was no walk in the park either.  In fact, my life has been forever changed since.  After her birth I did HONESTLY think I was done.  There wasn’t much of a question in my mind.  Not only did I have to suffer through a very scary after birth ordeal, suffer several almost life and death health complications but also I had been in between jobs and money just was constantly tight.  More children just didn’t feel like a responsible ideal.  By the time I reached my 30’s I no longer had the same mind-set as I once did in my 20’s.  I felt like was too short and no one is really prepared for children.  And while, yes, I do find this still to be true.  I also knew after many struggles I wanted more for my children and yes, more for any more that could ever possibly come.

But another thing that I had learned with my last child is that sometimes life takes you places you never have dreamed.  Even though I had longed for this little girl, when I first got pregnant with her, I was terrified.  I felt we had made a MAJOR mistake.  I thought that I wasn’t prepared, I felt that I wasn’t going to be able to be a good mom, and I felt that everything I hoped for her would not be delivered.  I feared that I would have the same life I did with the first three….

But that just didn’t happen.  This child SO proved me wrong.  Yes, things did happen.  Yes, money was tight at times.  But OMG did she bring something that I never imagined.  She brought so much joy to my heart.  I love my kids ALL of them.  I wish I could remember having this much joy with them when they were small.  I KNOW at times I did too.  But this wasn’t the same.  I was now with a man I really did LOVE.  And he too, really does LOVE me.  What was amazing was?  I knew that.  You don’t know how much of a difference having a child with a man you have no doubt in your mind LOVES you.

Having just one small child in the house and bigger kids was actually nice.  I loved watching the big kids fight over her.  Help her, and grow this bond with her.  And while they do fight.  I feel that having my daughter was still one of the best decisions we had ever made!  She has been a wonderful addition to my life and I no longer regret the idea of having her nor my other three.  Each child has brought something amazing to my life.  Something that no other human can give.  Each child has given me worry, tears, heartache, but also love, joy, anticipation, and a longing to see the big humans they become.

A while after having my last, I dreamed of this little boy to my surprise my oldest daughter also had a very similar dream.  I thought to myself, how odd.  For also the first time ever, I even had a name.  I never had a name with my other children whom I also did see before they ever came.  The hard part like last time D was pretty clear that the baby factory was forever closed.  He explain about how we get to do more now that the kids are older.  Fact! How expensive it is to care for what we have now.  Also fact! How hard my pregnancy was, my health conditions, etc that another baby could bring new risks! More facts that I honestly, can’t deny.

So why is that here I am working at a job I really like.  Money is actually pretty good for us right now.  I have four children who I love, I feel are thriving, and we are able to do more for now than ever before and yet, my heart still longs for this one last child.  I feel so empty inside.  In my thoughts it’s “there will be grandchildren in the future” I think to myself.  Or, “you want to be a midwife in the future, you will see plenty of babies”.  I even would try to understand exactly what was it I really wanted.

Was it just a baby?  I mean let’s face it my favorite part of raising kids is the 1 and 2 yr old stage which is like the SHORTEST stage of childhood.  I mean one cannot simply want a ton of children just for this stage alone, this also includes the infant stage.  Which to me is nice too but also I think we tend to forget the crying, sleepless nights, not knowing what the hell they want because they can’t tell us.  We are just masked with the thoughts of teeny tiny little socks and clothes we forget sometimes all the work that goes into that teeny tiny human!

I logically know and agree with every point my husband made.  I did.  They were all true and they were all things that I had to think about.  I thought to myself that maybe it’s time!  I would tell him to hurry up and just go get a vasectomy and get it over with.  I hoped that if the door was permanently closed that being able to move on would become easier?  I thought as each day I enjoyed my job it would be more reason to not want another child.  I knew having another child I would probably l want to be home.  But funny thing was, I didn’t exactly feel that way either.  I had a different perspective this time on that too.  I was really feeling like I could do other things.  I didn’t HAVE to be a stay at home mom.

My mind had changed and I started to see life more as opportunities instead of scary things that can happen.  I thought of all the joy my last daughter has brought to our family and who one earth wouldn’t want to experience more of that.  I wondered if in part she was my happy pill and I just wanted more of it.  I thought as well, how that too probably wasn’t the best thing.  I didn’t want to have a child to “fix” a feeling.  That in, having a child to “make” me happy.  I know in all hearts of hearts that’s not a good reason to have a child.

So, then what…. WHY did I want another child?  And why, is it so hard to let the idea go?  I kept wondering to myself that if this feeling hasn’t gone away maybe it’s because this is something I am supposed to do?  But I also wasn’t about to go against my husbands wishes.  Having a child is just as much decision as it is his.  I wouldn’t find it fair to make him do something he really didn’t want to do.  Even though I could see all the possibilities and joy another child could bring he just couldn’t.  Nothing I can do can change that for him, he has to see that himself.

I wasn’t sure if another reason I felt this way was simply the dream.  For so long I kept seeing this child that after a while that dream started to feel more of a reality.  I saw all my other children why would this one be any different?  I then was also not sure if my children had just “happened” or if my force of my wants and desires some how made them possible?  I don’t know and that probably seems like a stretch but I just didn’t know.  I talked to other moms who felt done and the thing that seemed to ring true for majority of them was they just knew.

But I didn’t… I knew for a good while after my last child I wasn’t ready for another child and then one day I just was.  My husbands retort was then, when does it stop?  What if we have another child and once again the feeling comes back??? I had to think that this too was a very viable possibility.  He spoke many truths.  I don’t know how I know this child would be the end but I do.  Don’t ask me how I know this it’s just a feeling.  But I also know this isn’t a decision that I can take lightly.  I fear of holding resentment to my husband, my past choices, etc on not getting to have this experience one last time.

Sometimes I even think would I regret my choice if we DID have one more.  Would things change?  Just because M was this great addition doesn’t mean another child would be.  I know saying that sounds harsh as if any parent doesn’t want their child.  BUT, what I mean is it doesn’t mean that I will feel the same way I did with her.  Maybe this child could be more difficult.  My my health will take a turn.  I even have risks of death.  What if I left my husband a single man of five children?  I have to think about these things.

So then I have to ask myself, are my days of having babies over??? Is this longing for another child just my body not accepting yet that my reproductive days are over?  Is it just that I am having a hard time accepting that I am getting older? Or that my life is changing to a new avenue of all big kids and no little ones and that’s a new world for me. A world I still haven’t fully adjusted to?  In part I think no to most of these questions.  I do have faith that if we did ever have one more child (and yes, I will say unless some how us getting fixed still brought another then that child was totally meant to be) but honestly, this would be the final one.  BUT if we did, I DO actually have faith but I don’t believe my husband does.

So now, I have to walk a road of knowing the possibilities of what might have been for him.  Remaining content in what I have now and just looking to our future.  I don’t know if one day he will change his mind OR if he won’t.  I don’t know if *I* will change my mind.  There are PLENTY of days where I think in my heart I AM done.  What is actually funny was I DID feel done, when this idea of a child came to play I wasn’t happy about it actually.  I was like NOPE!  I fought it, HARD.  But when I accepted it my heart-felt at calm and that was a hard pill to swallow.  Because it was then something that felt apart of my path but it wasn’t a path I was going to lose my husband over.  So I was left with confusion.

I now am just a place of stand still in a way.  Taking each day as it goes.  I have decided to just focus on us.  I decided we will live our lives and if this child really truly is meant to be, he will be.  (or she, I could be wrong).  And that’s okay.  It’s okay if this isn’t right now OR even EVER.  The goal is to really learn to be content with whatever the outcome is.  I refuse to continue to feel sad for a loss of something I don’t have.  That doesn’t mean at times those feelings won’t come.  But for now, I am blessed.  I have four very healthy and happy children (most of the time).  I am so proud of the people they are becoming and I look forward to watch the new journeys with them as they are getting closer and closer to being out on their own.

I am excited at the thought of one day being a grandma.  Seeing them in relationships, their careers, them as parents etc.  I am excited to see the adults they become.  I have waited a long time to see these days and they are so close (for the bigger three that is).  I look forward to watching M grow.  Doing things with her.  I mean I have never had in a way just ONE child lol.  As the kids leave one by one eventually it will be just us three.  I don’t think that’s a bad thing!  So I know in my hearts of hearts I will be able to move on with my family but I wonder still from time to time… What if….

Do you really KNOW when you are done?  How do you cope with the fact that your partner wants a child more than you and vice versa?  How do you cope with just the idea of just NOT having children even when you DO feel done?  This are questions some day I hope I can answer, but for now, what about you?  Did you know? Do you have a spouse who wants more but you don’t?  Or do you long for another and your spouse said the baby factory is closed?  Do we ever really feel DONE?

A new name is in the air

So, today I was just going to start a brand new blog, with a brand new name and honestly, this probably still will happen.  But for now, I wanted to talk today about change.  Every morning I have about 15 minutes to myself after I drop D off to work on my journey to my job.  During this time, sometimes, I blast some music and sing my heart out and other days like today, I took some time to reflect on some thoughts that was going through my ever revolving mind of mine.

Today was a day for reflection and my first thoughts started with my blog and blogging. I was thinking about how much I missed it.  I hardly ever write any more. I just don’t feel I have time any more with me working these days.  I feel like when I am home my time is either devoted to children, cooking, cleaning OR just trying to find sometime for myself. But now that the dust has settled a bit and we have gotten into a good groove of things I thought to myself, “I can write”?

My next thought was that I feel that I am not on the same page anymore with the name of my blog/Instagram (where I frequent the most these days).  Over the years I have had many blogs.  I have had Mistyme, (I like that was my live journal account), a blog with my bestie (twocarbkickingchicks I think it was)? I am sure there were more, but the most recent one was I am not just a fat girl.

I started I am not just a fat girl after I had my last child.  I was determined to lose weight but also wanted to show the world that there was more to me than just my appearance.  I felt as a big girl I was automatically defined by my weight.  I felt sometimes, unnoticed; and other times the center of attention.  I wanted people to see *ME* not just my body.  I remembered when I was smaller people approached me more and wanted to know me more.  Which was odd because I wasn’t a better person thin!  This upset me greatly.  Why would be only see me when I was smaller?  So I started to blog.

However, over the past several years of trying to lose weight and falling off more times than I can count.  Dealing with multiple health issues and doctor after doctor telling me they don’t know what’s wrong.  I felt myself slowly giving up.  At that point I though that I was NOT going to live the rest of my life hating myself.  If I was stuck in this fat suit, the least I can do is love myself despite of the challenges.  This was then the birth of my plus size confessions.

I wanted a site where I could talk about family, life, weight, clothes… Really, just everything.  I wanted it be light, fun and funny.  The truth is though, I just couldn’t let go of the weight loss journey.  Majority of my followers were not as interested in my daily life and only my weight loss (or the lack of) was what kept viewers.  So I talked about family less and weight loss more.  To the point it consumed my life.  I started to feel like a failure.  Like I didn’t understand why I just couldn’t do this.

So then this morning I was thinking… What should I name my blog that would reflect me now??? What would be my new Instagram handle?  What would work that would make me feel inspired to be who I inspire to be?  In this thought process I started to think to myself the dreaded question I would get asked at interviews…. “So, Misty, Tell us about yourself” This question was is so hard for me because I never knew what to say?  The first thing that would ALWAYS come to mind is, “I’m a mom”.  Because the thing is, I have been a mom since I was 18 years old.  At this point I have been a mom for half of my life already.

Being a mom has been a BIG part of my life.  It is something that I will always be.  BUT… being a mom is not ALL that I am.  It was then I wondered to myself, “who am I”?  This sparked me thinking of new names that would suit my goals for these outlets better.  I thought of “finding me” but I was like, wait… What?!? I’m not lost… I just don’t know I am exactly?  Then I thought about who I was.  I started thinking about why it was so hard tos say who I am?  It all boiled down to mostly one word, FEAR.  I realized that I am afraid to be WHO I am!  I thought about being a girl in school.  Growing up, I always did pretty decently in school but thing was, I learned after they started requiring testing that I wasn’t as “smart” as I thought I was.  I bombed the test.

All the sudden I went from this A student to finding out I didn’t know… A lot…. This was a HUGE blow to my ego.  As I became an adult, I despised going to school.  The thought of school could easily give me anxiety.  The thought of High School was horrifying alone, let a lone the thought of College.  I remember when I did attempt college once when I was a newly single mom, working 60 plus hours a week, willing to do anything that would probably make me more money.  I decided to go to college since my job would pay for it. Long story short, I went to two classes and never went back again.  I allowed the fact that when I was tested upon entry of College,  I had to take remedial classes to bring me down.  Once again I didn’t feel “smart”.  I allowed my own insecurities to stop me from showing myself that despite my lack of knowledge it didn’t mean I couldn’t learn.  But the other truth was, my heart just wasn’t in it.  So I never went back.

Fast forward now to the present time.  By this point I am almost to work.  And yes, I had all these thoughts in just 15 minutes.  I am thinking about names… things like the un-driven path (which I do still like). I wanted something that meant something to me.  I wanted something that could evolve with my life.  I wanted something that could show the world my goals.  But I also had to know what my goals were.? I thought myself, maybe?, I should go back to school?  Not really to get a degree for a job, but to just get a degree… To show myself that I can do so.  I thought how I wanted to know more, learn more and that I felt ready to do so.

Then I thought about other things I might want to do.  I thought that even if it’s not school, the point wasn’t school at all… It was doing things because I want to and not letting fear stand in my way.  I thought to myself, that I have NO clue who I am!  I don’t even fully know what all I like because I have experienced so little.   Life is WAY too short to experience too little.  I am holding my own self back.  I let my depression to get the best of me.  I let my mind wonder and rule me.  I let my thoughts define me.  I thought no… I have the control.  I have the control to be HAPPY… I have to believe this.

I have the control to navigate my life.  When people told me in my life I couldn’t do things, I would prove them wrong.  When people under estimated me, I would show them my worth.  BUT I thought to myself this morning, why won’t I show myself?  What am I so afraid of?  Why do I hold back so much? So what if someone laughs, rolls their eyes, disagree’s, doesn’t like me?  If I am doing good things, looking forward, and trying to be the best me I can be then non of that will matter…. So then I came home and started to write words.  LOTS of words back and forth with my BFF (best friend forever)…

And then it happened.  After many great idea’s none of them felt like the one until it hit me…. Right before I found I found it, what marked what this journey is going to be about, I thought first about calling my blog/account the making of me.  I honestly did like this one; until… I saw there was book with the name (well, that and the part of one mans journey to becoming a school superintendent).  I really didn’t wanna be a copy cat even though it wasn’t exactly the same.  I even had other names like Life in Layers, my life proclaimed, peaches and me (I still like that one) and then I thought of  inspiring life…  I thought at first this was going to be the name.

I thought, yes! I want to inspire myself and inspire others.  But then I thought to myself that life isn’t always inspiring.  Sometimes it’s messy.  Sometimes it’s sad.  Sometimes it’s just not always happy.  I thought, what about those days?  What about the days I want to write something sad?  Maybe, I want to vent about my kids being a jerk that day? That wouldn’t be as “inspiring”…. Do I want my page to always be “inspirational”? I have to admit this idea was a quickly a little overwhelming.  I then knew this wouldn’t work for me.

So I went back to the drawing board and like a lighting bolt in the sky it hit me. Reinventing me…. It was perfect.  Until… Instagram informed me someone already had it… I was like, what? Ugh, I am so unoriginal… BUT I loved what it represented.  So I kept playing… (reinventing me project, reinventing Misty, but it all just didn’t seem right) then it was right there… My reinventing life.  Now THAT was perfect AND most importantly it wasn’t taken on Instagram!!!!  I am not finding me, because I’m not lost.  It wasn’t that I didn’t know me, but that over the years I am constantly changing and growing.  In that change I slowly reinvent who I am.  I start to create a new me.  I haven’t lost me, didn’t know me, etc I just learning more and more ABOUT me.  Everything I know about me DOES make me.  BUT like a rose there are many layers…. We all have layers that we hold and shed through our lives.  Eventually we bloom into a new flower in time…. We become well, reinvented….

So there ya go guys… in a LONG winded post… That is what I will be…. I now here in time there will be a new blog, look, etc.  And hopefully, this too won’t be some passing phase. But all in all, I am excited.  Excited about the journey a head, with myself, weight, life, children, etc.  ALL of it.  I want to talk about all of it.  I know this may cause a lost in followers (especially on Instagram) and honestly, that’s okay because my journey is for those who need to hear and for me who needs to write it.  If it’s not for you then that’s okay because it means it wasn’t meant for you!  So with that said, thanks so much for following all this time some of you have been here with me for YEARS.  For that I am humble to call you guys my friends….. So here is to another chapter!  I hope you stick around.  More is soon to come!  Just wait!

Been MIA

mia1What can I say, Life gets busy.  That and I haven’t been as compelled to write lately.  I did start a youtube channel recently, but will admit that I am not too sure about it in general.  I feel so weird doing videos.  I really can’t stand seeing myself talk as well.  That and I am not so tech savvy to where I can make cool video’s lol.

Anyways, so since my last post a lot has gone on.  I got down to 293 but the past few weeks I had shot up.  I was like 303 on Monday but was suffering some major bloat and well some bad choices.  It’s amazing how QUICK weight can come on.  I know that it’s not all fat because most of that happened in the matter of two days.  So that means, it’s fluid.  But still.

Like that 10 pounds will take me a couple of weeks to get back off.  Sigh….

Anyways… So this week was a big week!  It’s the beginning of school week. This year I am sending off

My oldest going into 11th grade (OMG next year she is a SENIOR! what????).

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My second oldest into 9th grade!

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My son entered middle school going into the 7th grade!

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And the baby entered into Kindergarten!

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To my surprise I DID NOT cry at the kindergartner.  I felt kind of odd like I was suppose to or something?  I was more upset when my son went but I also didn’t get to see him off so I think that had a lot to do with it.  But still.  No tears.  But so proud of her.  She is SUCH a big girl who was READY for school!  Let me tell ya!

It’s so weird being home now with out at least the little one here.  I keep feeling like I am forgetting her.  Or I will go look for her when it’s quiet wondering what she is into now to remember she is at school.  LOL it feels so odd and yet so empty too.  I am looking to get a day job while she is in school to give myself something to do and to save some money.  We could use the extra cash (who wouldn’t).  I will do my best to be more active but pretty sure once I start working again this will be once again on the back burner.  Sigh… Either way I am working toward good things so that’s good right?

So how’s your day going?  Did you send any kiddo’s off to school this week?  If so what grades are they going into?

Weigh in Monday!

IMG_20160718_074903Well my friends Weigh In Monday is Officially BACK!  Last week I came in at 304.6 which was up by 6.4lbs (I think) since I had stopped weighing in and decided to take a mini break.  I was a little disappointed at first this morning when I stepped on the scale.  I caught a sneak peek of my weight yesterday and I was down to 298 which would have been my all time low in a year.  However, I noticed a couple of things this morning, one was, my bladder wasn’t super full like normal and two both of my ankles were swollen.

Ah, yes, water weight.  Which I know I have a lot of.  But seeing puffy ankles and an up in the scale is a good indication that I didn’t gain 2lbs of FAT (the horror) it’s just water.  I also knew that on Saturday I decided to run 3.1 miles (a 5K) on the treadmill.  I have been running about 1.5ish doing my C25K program.  But wanted to try doing a 5k and seeing how long I could really jog without stopping.

I am SUPER proud to say that I did a 5 minute warm up and I only walked when I was half way at 1.5 miles and that was a 4 minute walk.  This was HUGE for me. I have NEVER ran that long before.  Granted it was super-duper slow and the eyes of running I probably wasn’t running.  BUT for me I wasn’t walking.  lol If I bounce it’s no longer walking in my book lmbo. So I have to say it was a good week!

I didn’t torture myself with rules and what not.  I told myself moderation, watched the carbs for the most part.  I couldn’t have done better on several days.  But I am not going to focus on that.  I lost 4lbs this week and broke a new running record for me.  So hey, in my book that’s freaking awesome progress even if I am still up a little bit from June over all.  It’s okay, I will be down next week and at my new all time low in a year anyways.  So this week I am celebrating 4lbs gone and cheers to running for 60 minutes!  Woot Woot!

Day one of 90

textgram_1468257133A while back I talked about starting a 90 day challenge.  I have had some time to think about this challenge since I wrote it and decided to make a few changes.  The Challenge will begin today and go on for at least 90 days.  I wanted to keep the challenge simple.  I realized that doing too much all at once is just a recipe for disaster.  I don’t want to do a “plan” at this current time but do want to make smarter choices. So the plan is as follows:

 

1.Eat smaller portions

2.Drink more water

3.Exercise at least 4 days a week

4.Blog/Journal whatever I need to stay on track

5.Be kind to myself

That’s it really.  I want to keep it simple.  I am also going to start weighing in weekly again. I have weighed in off and on the past few weeks and I am interested to see where things go.

Starting this challenge I currently weigh 304.6 That is a 6lb gain but I am NOT upset about this because this weekend I went kind of on a last hurrah bend (you know what I am talking about).  So funny how we do that lol…  Either way.  Today is day ONE of 90 so let’s do this.  If I do this it will be the first time I stayed a 100% on plan for 90 straight days.

I have in the past and even this year went 90 days doing things in general but I wasn’t as strict on myself.  While, I don’t feel my “rules” are very strict, I still want to follow it.  So, here we go!

LET’S DO THIS!

All Lives Matter

I know I talk on this blog mostly about weight, but this blog wasn’t meant to be just about weight.  The recent events over the past few years has really gotten to me.  It has hurt me, it scares me, and it saddens me.   Lately, I have been seeing more and more blogs, and FB posts talking about how insulting “All Lives Matter” is.

So I am going to say today why I say all lives matter and why *I* don’t believe it is insulting OR racist.  Now, I have seen a lot of the little meme’s trying to “explain” why this is offensive.  And in those actual scenarios I agree with them.  BUT and there is ALWAYS a but!  THAT IS NOT OUR SCENARIO!

I think what people are not getting is we have a war on police brutality AND a war on race. We can’t have one and ignore the other!  The media has done a GREAT job showing people WHAT they want to see.  HOW they want you to feel.  We get snippets of stories and then we run with them like a wild-fire, without ever actually KNOWING the truth because the facts are, we have already made up our minds what the truth IS!

The problem….. Somewhere among black lives that have been taken due to racism people started to ASSUME these were the ONLY lives being lost by the hands of police.  That the ONLY issue that we are facing is racist cops.  Now if that were true, I would be like black lives matter all the way no looking back.  And here is the kicker…. I am black lives matter all the way.

However, black lives are not the majority dying at the hands of cops and those lives many of them were taking un-justifiably.  Everytime, a black person see’s a white person on the news who’s was kidnapped and raped and people say OMG that poor girl there was another black family saying “Where is my spot light?   Where was my coverage”.

Are they wrong for feeling that way?  IS feeling that way taking away from the death of the others who are not black?  NO!  Why?  Because they just want the same EQUAL opportunity.  The chance for the world to also HEAR their story so maybe people will see that other people are being affected.  That this isn’t a single crime don’t on just ONE race!

This is where “All Lives Matter” was born for me.  Now if you are saying all lives matter because you don’t like hearing “black lives matter” and you are thinking, uh, so does my life; just because I am not black doesn’t me MY life doesn’t matter!  Then yes, you are the people I think and want to believe all these blogs and meme’s are talking too!

But if you are the person who is like the black person mourning the death of their loved one that once again isn’t getting coverage, the person who in this case is a race other than black saying but the police killed us too…. Don’t forget about US…. We are a victims too! We want to be apart of this movement.  We want to acknowledge your loss, my loss, his loss, and all of their loss that were done wrongfully.

People wake up and see…. We NEED you to wake up.  We have TWO not just ONE issue here.  I think that what happened is when one issue came up (the racism) it caused a piggy back to the OTHER issue and that was NOT about race but about power-hungry, trigger happy cops who are giving all the other good cops a REALLY bad name!

So maybe instead of pointing a finger at someone who says “all lives matter” and assuming everyone who does so is apart of the problem, maybe ask them WHY they are saying it.  Are they saying because they feel you are leaving them out and they want to make this about them OR are they informing you that this problem goes much deeper than black and white here.  The blood isn’t just on two hands!

The same goes for when you hear black lives matter.  Don’t be so offended by it.  Because, BLACK LIVES DO MATTER.  The racism by blacks has GOT to stop.  Black men and women should not have to feel a need to raise their children with a teaching on how to “handle” police.  Always watching their backs, always afraid to move, OR feeling like other races (especially whites) are out to get them.  They shouldn’t have to be judge for not only being black but for how black they are.  Black lives matter should matter to blacks too.  Your own people are dying and sometimes by you.  WE have to fight to end the violence!

WE have a war on racism and while things are different now than they were even 20 years ago it’s still there.  Sometimes, we are blind to it.  Sometimes, we don’t even want to believe it.  Sometimes, we don’t even see it because it’s not happening to us personally. But it IS happening.  Racism is still VERY MUCH ALIVE and we cannot take that way.

We also can’t take away the fact that brutality among cops is getting far too out hand.  I have seen countless stories of men and women of ALL races who have been murdered by the hands of police.  When black people say things like “well, it’s still not like us, we were just murdered because we were black” you are also just as bad as those “all lives matter” people are you so angry at.  Because, while you may have been killed because of being black, the next guy was killed for reasons he didn’t even know.  BOTH of you NEED to be acknowledged because you are both VICTIMS.  I wish more and more things were shown equally. When they are happening to multiple types of people.

I wish that black children were shown on the news when they were kidnapped just as much as white girl would be and wish more races were shown that have been mistreated by police the way black men were.  I don’t know the real answers.  I can’t say to just focus on black lives matter and ignore all the other lives lost.  Why can’t I focus on black lives lost AND the other lives too?  Why bash ME for wanting to be upset by ALL the deaths instead of just SOME of them?  Why should we fight for just racism alone and not police brutality among us all?  Why should I be told I am racist by the media because I want people to see BOTH problems instead of one.

People need to see this is all a domino effect… It’s really people all saying DON’T FORGET ABOUT US!!!!  From #blacklivesmatter it stemmed those who have lost or known of losses from others who were not black and they felt their lives matter too, I need to voice that, I want not just to black lives matter but every life to matter.  Saying that doesn’t mean I am omitting black lives.  Then police were killed here in Dallas so that stemmed police lives matter.  And then we are back to ALL LIVES MATTER.  You want to end racism, recognize it! You want to end hate, stop fueling it.  See that to end racism we have to recognize black lives and all lives.  We have to recognize when a black life has been wrongfully taken, White, Hispanic, Asian, Indian, every race, police lives are wrongfully taken.  Our fight deep down isn’t just about black lives but LIVES being wrongfully taken even the ones that media DIDN’T show you.  THAT IS WHAT IS PISSING us off.  IS LIVES WRONGFULLY TAKEN!

If people want EQUALITY then we have to see BOTH problems…. So I am here to say that #blacklivesmatter #racismisalive #racismmustdie #policebrutalitymustdie #alllivesmatter #thosemurderedbypolicematter #murderismurdernomatterthecolor #violencedoesntendwars #policelivesmatter

So agree or not but this is how I feel… I had to say because I felt I was going to EXPLODE! And well, this is MY page so I get to say how I feel and it’s okay if you don’t agree.  I just ask don’t ignore the issues.  ALL the issues.  Be Aware.  Research. and know people across this world are dying everyday by police, military, our own people, etc.  WE need to address the hate. and I get it takes working on each issue ONE BY ONE and I think that maybe, that’s why “all lives matter” stung so much because maybe by some it’s “too soon” to focus on the rest of the lives.  People still need to mourn these to than acknowledge the others?

No one has to agree with me, I know in my heart of hearts I am not a racist person.  I know that I seek good in all people. I want all injustice to be brought to justice.  But I want the real issues, I don’t want to be hiding and blinded by just one issue, I want to see them all. Acknowledge them all.  I need to see the whole picture.  I need to see the lives that have been taken wrongfully and I NEED to know why.  Because how can we fix the hows when we don’t understand the whys?  I want compassion. I was equality.  I want peace.

Every one is screaming what about me!  And it’s heartbreaking because it shows how many feel they are not seen and heard.  We have to try to see them all.  It is wrong IMO to just focus purely on just ONE group of people of any race when more than one race is being affected and ignore all the others; just like it’s wrong to ignore a problem because you have a problem too.  ALL people have a right to have their problem seen and heard and not single one is wrong for wanting that and needing that acknowledgement. Let’s stop the hate!  That’s what all of this is.  It’s hate.

It’s day by day

I blogged most recently about my depression.  My depression is something that never seems to go away.  It’s something I have been dealing with for as long as I remember.  For me my depression isn’t something that is “temporary”.  For me, happiness is temporary. Depression on the other hand always finds it way back.  EVEN when there is happiness. It’s like a little bug that has infected my brain and I can’t kill it.

Anyways, the interesting thing about depression is you have good days, okay days, bad days, really bad days and days well, we won’t talk about those days.  Right now I am on okay days.  This is good.  Okay days, mean that I am doing a little something.  It means I smile here and there.  Okay days are the days you are thankful for.  I know that probably seems weird but an okay day is a day where you acknowledge that things feel crappy but also it’s just another day and you can get through that day.

Good days, those days they are AWESOME, short lived, something that doesn’t come around often and sadly these days are the days you feel you take for granted.  These are the days where you think that tomorrow will be just a good as today!  Sadly, that’s not typically the way it goes.  At least, not for me that is.  But that’s okay for now.

Currently, I have started to seek out help through counseling.  I am not sure the current place I am going through is going to give me what I need but I do know if I ever want to experience a possible longer happiness time frame I probably need to fix the mental stuff first!?! I am even going to start my 90 Challenge this Monday.  What is it about Monday’s btw that just seem to be the only day to start new things? lol But in all honesty, we get paid this weekend so I have to get the house full with great choices so I can be successful.

So right now I am taking things day by day which is really that I can really do.  I hope that one day I will be free from this life but for now it is what it is.  I will update you on Monday about the challenge.  I hope you all are doing well!  And until then….

 

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