I Lost My Mojo

It is not new news that I battle with Depression.  I recently even got back on meds for it (which btw I had a horrid reaction too) and recently started seeking counseling for.  Sometimes I don’t like posting much about my depression.  Not really because I don’t want to talk about it but more so because I don’t really think anyone cares to listen.

I have noticed that people like to hear good things vs. bad.  Even today with in 20 minutes of posting on Instagram that I lost my mojo I lost 4 followers.  It’s no biggie really but it does make me feel less inclined to share at times.

The fact is I am depressed.  I have been depressed for quiet sometime now.  To the point that I felt I needed some help.  My state got even worse after my birthday weekend.  Not only did my children seem to forget it was my birthday, I planned my anniversary/bday weekend with no contribution from hubby I started to get down.  This then followed by hubby talking to me about how he didn’t want another child.

We have been talking about another child for about two years.  In fact this year my actual motivation for getting serious, the reason I invested into personal trainers, and etc was because I wanted to get my body down to a healthier place to where I could have as healthy of a pregnancy as possible.  DH wasn’t always on board with the baby thing but seemed to be okay with it the past year.  Willing to see where things go.

While I understand a 100% all his reasons, being told that I was no longer going to have any more babies EVER, was like a kick in the gut (or more so ovaries).  I was hurt.  I mean his logic wasn’t bad and I understand all his fears and his concerns.  Hell sometimes, I think I am CRAZY for ever wanting anymore children.  Seriously, I have plenty lol BUT still, the idea was there.  I saw each one of my children before I had them.  I know it sounds crazy but I knew about each one.  And I saw this one too.

But the thing is I don’t want a husband who resents me years down the line or our child all for a vision.  I want this to be just as much of something he wants as well as me.  While, I know logically we will be just fine with another child and financially it won’t change anything, I also have to respect my husbands wishes.

This combined with my birthday AND my first counseling session (which somehow made things worse) just caused a flood of emotions.  I felt like I didn’t know what to do with me.  This journey was so much easier when I had a goal.  The thing is I KNEW with the amount of weight I am wanting to lose I wasn’t going to have some rocking body.

I don’t want to be negative here, but lets face it I have hanging fat as it is right now (and I am not even going to call this skin because it’s fat) and it hangs.  It’s not pretty.  And while, yes, I KNOW that the end goal is to be HEALTHY I also know that you don’t go from losing 200lbs plus, having hanging fat to this awesome rocking body.  (At least not with out surgery).

I know it’s vain.  I do…. But I know being skinny won’t mean I will like the outcome of my body.  Period.  So it does have to be for the HEALTH of things. That’s great and all… Except I have been on this journey for 5 years (and we are not counting my life time of being thicker and over weight) but the 5 years of actually trying to lose weight and yet, I am still here in the same place.  I have done more in these 5 years then I have EVER in my whole.

I have done more than I ever did when I weighed 125lbs.  Never at that time did I eat healthy, or exercise or even do the exercises I can do at 300lbs.  And yet I fucking weigh 300 mother fucking pounds.  Like seriously.   I hate that my body hangs, my breast hang, my stomach looks in a way I don’t even recognize.  The hell with stretch marks, I can live with those.  Hell I have had those since I was like 12 years old.

I hate that I have a blood disorder that even if I lost all the weight that skin removal probably wouldn’t be wise, that weight loss surgery could be a death sentence, that I am stuck in this body.  And even my body aside I hate the way that I feel and no matter what I do to change it I still feel the way I do.

I feel very much done…. Not done in the point that I am just gonna off myself, because I have decided long ago that just isn’t something I can do.  No, just in a way where I am waiting… Waiting for whatever powers it maybe that I can FINALLY get to go.  I try in the meantime to deal with what has been given me and make the best of it.  But that urge to finally feel free.  The urge to finally go.  It feels amazing.  I LONG for it.

It’s not sad and depressing to me it’s like when someone is old and grey and they are ready to go… Except I’m not old or grey.  I just am tired.  So very tired.  Tired of everything.  Tired of trying and still failing all.the.time.  Tired of feeling lonely, tired of not relating to anyone (and vice versa), tired of not knowing what to do with myself, tired of not being smart enough, tired of losing my memory, my hearing, tired of my body, my health, my kids fighting, my messy house, cleaning, not clean, my husband upset at the lack of cleaning, etc.

I am just tired….. You would think damn woman, why on earth would you even want another child???? Ya know what?  I think it’s because in pregnancy I felt something, I felt important, feeling your child move is amazing, child birth is amazing, being a new mom feels amazing (and tiring lol).  I LOVE babies and toddlers…. although, the older they get the more annoying they can be at times, there is also great days. I LOVE watching the people they become.  They give me a reason to get up.  Sometimes, the only reason I am even here.  I DO actually get joy out of the experience.  At the same time I logically know I can’t have kids until the end of time just to have this lol.

I just don’t know anymore….. I thought for so long that I was going to be a midwife, I wanted it so bad and then I had such a traumatic birth of my last child and now it’s different.  It’s not because I don’t trust birth or anything but I saw birth in a different way.  I always saw birth in this one light and then I saw this dark side.  I didn’t know how to handle it?  I don’t distrust midwives at all, nor the process I just saw it in the eyes of fear of things being missed (and yet I was under the care of a hospital mind you lol). I don’t know.  Then I found out the school I wanted to go in is requiring that I take the SAT again.  This has given me SEVERE anxiety.  I DON’T test well, I didn’t do well in school. I mean I did but it’s because I didn’t learn crap.  I don’t consider myself in general all that smart.

I can learn things and I felt confident I could learn what I needed in the program.  But to test about crap I was taught (or not taught) over 18 years ago had me kind of freaking the hell out.  I started second guessing even going to school all together.  Which I know is silly because I will be tested on the midwifery too but that will be right there fresh on my mind.  Everything will be taught to me, it won’t be me remembering things from yester-year lol.

I started wondering if I would even be a good midwife?  If I wanted to be a midwife?  I knew I did but did I want all the risks and draw backs that come with it.  I mean I knew the positives but was I willing to also live with the negatives.  Long hours, not really having days off, no vacations really, sometimes pay isn’t always great depending on the practice, and things can go wrong and the wrong move even if I didn’t do anything wrong can break my career.  It’s a big decision.  I thought to myself if I don’t do this, what on earth would I do.

I knew I didn’t want to live my life going from job to job.  I wanted what I did with myself to mean something.  And yet, I don’t even feel motivated most days to get out of bed.  I am constantly conflicted with feelings of possibly to the realities of things not working out like I hoped.  I feel like my life is one disappointment after another.  Nothing seems to go quite right.  I have tried to be positive, I even tried to accept it, but it’s just so hard.  So I know this is LONG as always and really it’s okay if you don’t even read…. But this why I have been quiet.

I haven’t even started my 90 day challenge (which I was considering after the 4th since I had so much going on in June but July was free and clear) I knew I needed a stretch of months of nothing really to keep me on course.  And even then, I just.don’t.care… I don’t know how long this will last but I am finding as I get older and older these spells are started to feel more like a defeat vs just bouts of depression.  I am started to feel pretty beaten down and I not sure how many more times I can try to be positive in hopes some how, some way this feeling will just disappear?  Where is my happy pill?  I want my happy ending… Sigh…. Sorry to be the bummer…

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7 thoughts on “I Lost My Mojo

  1. tiffany moase July 4, 2016 at 5:57 am Reply

    you can do this, don’t give up! i have also struggled with depression and going on the meds is hard and coming off them is hard!!!! i also lost 83 pounds since this time last year. i had so many medical issues, every time i went to the doctor there would be more bad news!!! it sucked, i never wanted to leave the house. it was uncomfortable physically and emotionally. i don’t know what finally clicked, fear i think!! but i am at goal and your right my body is not the magazine covers that you dream of, but i would take it any day to how i felt before and i am sure my 4 kids ages 16-23 would tell you they wish i could have got my shit together sooner! i guess my point is your strength is in there , find it. and believe in your worth to achieve it, i believe in you!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • myplussizeconfessions July 4, 2016 at 11:22 am Reply

      Hi Tiffany! I am so happy you were able to find a better place. I wish I could believe you but honestly, this isn’t just about weight for me. Not in the slightest. It’s not a light bulb moment. If we talk weight loss, I lost weight just fine several years ago I just had to put in some effort. However, since I had my last daughter, suffered with pulmonary edema, massive unexplained swelling, and pulmonary embolisms to just name a few things weight loss has been almost impossible for a longer term. I am lucky to lose 20lbs and my body either stays there or it gains despite my effort. My doctor believes I am just gaining and losing fluid. BUT no one actually knows why nothing is working. It’s not about determination, or anything at all, several times in the past 5 years I have severally busted my ass, watched every single damn thing I have eaten to still be here. So I know now that this journey, this time isn’t like your “normal” journey. This isn’t a case of I just ate too much, or I eat too much of this, it’s just a simple fact that something just isn’t working right and until I can figure it out (because doctors have given up) well, I will probably remain to stay in this weight range. As far as the depression, I would love to say one day that will be gone too and I have hopes one day it will, but it’s something I have delt with as long as I can remember. While I have good days like everyone else to me it’s like being an alcoholic, you never stop being one! The urge is always there you just fight it. That’s my life, fighting everyday to just not feel as sad as the day before. I don’t typically feel long term happiness, it’s more so in waves. It’s hard to describe because it effects everyone different. My depression isn’t like the blues, it’s not something that I have when things are just bad like some people ya know? It’s something that comes no matter what, I can feel happy and it will be there. It’s always there so I just learn to deal with it. Hide it, and try to go numb from it. So while in a few weeks more or less I will be “okay”. I know I am not “okay” I am just better than a few weeks ago, I am pushing the thoughts to the side better but it’s still there. It never leaves. Or hasn’t yet at least.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. anniestat July 4, 2016 at 4:39 pm Reply

    I had postnatal depression after the birth of my long awaited IVF twins ( 8 years and 3 attempts ). Everyone would say ” how can you be depressed – you wanted them so much”. Well, I couldn’t help it. I didn’t choose to be depressed, it just happened! Medication helped and a year after their birth, I weaned myself off the pills and never looked back – they are now 15 years old.
    Having said that, I’m not an expert. I can’t advise you, lecture you, judge you. All I can do is give you a massive virtual hug! It’s unfair that so many issues have been thrown your way. Why can’t they happen to the idiot terrorists and suicide bombers or the rapists, murderers and pedophiles out there!
    About the only thing I am qualified to say is this – I love the fact that I am following you. Stuff the haters! If we can’t write about the bad times as well as the good ones then what’s the point?
    Oh, and maybe buy a puppy??? Kill two birds with one stone – a puppy to mother and think of all the daily walks! 😍

    Like

    • myplussizeconfessions July 6, 2016 at 6:43 pm Reply

      This kid thing like seriously just spiralled me down faster and harder. I had a dream today that I was pregnant and in labor. I realised that I am aboutto gjve birth to a still born child. The whole pregnancy my doctor never saw me. I never had a sono. And while my tummy grew I knew I never felt my baby kick. I kept hoping I would deliver and some how the baby was alive but I knew deep down it just wasn’t possible. I surely would of felt it. I was freaking but afraid to tell the nurses I think my baby is dead because I was so afraid I was right. I woke up before I found out. The dream has stuck with me all day….

      Like

      • anniestat July 7, 2016 at 1:26 pm

        That is so vivid! I’m glad you woke up

        Like

  3. csinalaska July 6, 2016 at 6:19 pm Reply

    You are beautiful, brave and fierce. Depression is something you experience, but it isn’t you, it doesn’t define you. You are human, you have emotions and sometimes you are going to feel down. Remember, it’s a temporary feeling and it doesn’t last forever. Happy pills are just a band-aid and people aren’t designed to cover up feelings very well. We have to live them out, experience them and learn, and ultimately grow. You got this! Don’t hide the depression — meet it head on and make a choice everyday to challenge yourself to be better for yourself (not just your kids, hubby, friends, etc). Do it for you! ❤

    Like

    • myplussizeconfessions July 6, 2016 at 6:39 pm Reply

      Thanks, I think that is what makes this hard is my depression isn’t temporary. It’s something I have fought daily since I was a small child (really as long as I can remember). For me happiness is what feels temporary. It’s hard to talk about these things because so many don’t understand or it just sounds negative and people don’t like negative. So you keep it to yourself. Even here, I sensor myself and what I say. I get through the days but the depression it never leaves. It’s always there hiding and waiting.

      Like

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